Louie Giglio - Laminin

This is so cool, it's His signature on us!

Let's clarify some things

I would like to clarify some comments I made earlier because through this my perspective has changed. I see things differently now and want to give a clear picture of how things really are. Remember that book I found, “Letting God Meet Your Emotional Needs”. Well at the time I didn’t really get out of it what I was suppose to. God doesn’t just want to be the center of all relationships, He wants to meet those emotional needs we have, only He can fulfill them. Like I said about the desire, it was made by God for God, just like our need to be fulfilled emotionally, it’s for God to fulfill. I was trying to find someone who could meet this need and expecting him to be able to the impossible.

Remember what I said about finding God in church, as though the bigger the church the better chance God was there. How funny is that, can you believe I thought that? That’s not at all how it works, God is everywhere no matter where the church is or how big or small, even if your church meets in a school gym :) but more than that, God is not just at church, He is EVERYWHERE.

Another thing, living for Christ doesn’t mean to “do the right thing” and to have good morals and values, again don’t get me wrong morals and values are important but living for Christ is more about having a personal relationship with Him. Jesus wants our hearts more than anything, like it’s His greatest treasure. Just like we have a desire for Him, He has a desire for us. He wants to dwell within our hearts and make it His home. Once we allow Him in and accept Him, He shows us what He wants for us. He guides our path.

The Desire

I realized when you ask Jesus into your heart, He places Himself there and dwells within you. He dwells, do you know what this means? He enjoys and delights to be in your heart.

From last Friday, (August 1, 2008) things have been so different for me. I know only five days of truly accepting Christ in my heart and I’m completely different, my thinking is different. For 28 years I grew up believing in God and knew Jesus died on the cross for my sins. I was brought up with these beliefs but I didn’t truly know what it meant to have Christ in my heart. That is not a decision someone can make for you, it has to be made by you and only you.

Remember when I said I was at a fork in the road? God wanted to know what I really wanted; I had to make a choice. An easy decision this was not. I had such a desire to be married and to have a family, not out of desperation but a deep desire… a longing. I really thought this could have been him, the one. Something was missing though, I didn't know what, but something. I knew in my head the truth. I had heard so many times before that Christ was enough, and to live your life for Christ, to allow Him into your heart, that He should be the center of all relationships, etc. I knew I had to choose Christ, I knew in my head He was what I wanted. I stood firm on what I believed to be truth and with that... my heart was opened it was no longer a knowing in my head...it was in my heart.

It was in this moment I felt the chains of bondage fall from me. I had been set FREE. Free from myself, from what I thought to be truth, from living the life I thought I should instead of how Christ wants me too. It was as though I had been in a cage for so long and didn't realize this door had been opened. Walking around in the cage living life how I thought I should, doing what people thought I should, doing the "right thing", doing good things for people, helping when I should. Don't get me wrong all those things are great, but I was doing them in bondage. This is a hard concept for me to explain, I think finding the words to express this is difficult. I'll come back to this and try to make sense of what I mean.

I was placing all my wants and desires on my relationships expecting them to be fulfilled through the people I was with. My desire was placed in me by God...for God. I have been filled, no more do I long to be with someone, don't get me wrong I still want to be married and someday have a family but the yearning for it is gone. Even though it hasn't happened yet, I praise God because I know in my heart, it's coming. This is faith, a knowing in your heart the promises God has made, have been met before His reveal.

Remember my "pie chart"....it's gone. God was not designed to only be in portions of my life, He is in all of it. A good friend told me “God is the fragrance of my life”. Like when you spray perfume or cologne, it fills the room, it goes everywhere. It doesn't just stay in the area you spray it; you can smell it even in the next room. God is in every aspect of my life.

Jesus, where are you?

After talking and crying to my friend, I had explained to her how I felt like I was walking a parallel path of what Jesus wants for me. I'm kind of on the right track but need to find more of Jesus so He can show the way. So I told her I was searching for Jesus and wanting to know where I could find more of Him. There is a deeper connection He wants to have with me. Scripture tells us "….seek and you will find…"(Matthew 7:7). So seeking I went. I was looking for Him in the Bible, (thinking that was the obvious place to start), I was looking for Him in other books about Christ, looking for Him at Church, looking for Him through friends and relationships, I just keep looking but…nothing, no Jesus. My friend turns to me with a smile and as she is walking toward me asks, "You know where He is?" With wonder in my head thinking…..I already tried the Bible He's not there, so…..no, not exactly. She places her hand on my heart and says, "He's in here." It took a few minutes but the light bulb went on.

It seems so simple right? He told me I asked Him into my heart a long time ago but never really knew He was there. I was looking for Him in all the wrong places. Mostly in my relationships with men. The hurting I felt when I realized my boyfriend didn’t accept Christ, was the hurt Christ felt when I didn’t realize He was in my heart, because it meant I hadn’t fully accepted Him. "What?" I thought, I hadn't accepted Him? I couldn’t believe it. All this time, trying to do the right things and be good "Christian" I hadn't accepted Christ? He told me I knew it in my head, but it was my heart that He wanted. So right then, I handed it over. Gave Him all control and I found Him. I know where He is. He's in my heart! He really is in my heart! I told Him I wanted to hang on tight to Him and never let Him out of my heart and then He tells me the best way to hold tight to Him is to open my heart and let Him pour out.

Something Still Missing

Obviously I had been doing something wrong in my relationships with men. I had already been divorced, had several relationships go down the drain but not without a lot of tears on my friends shoulders with heart ache and pain I had never felt before. It hurt to put so much into a relationship, to give everything I had only for it to be stomped on and crushed. Relationship after relationship it was the same story, just with a different guy. I’d checked his credentials, and he believed in Jesus. That was all I needed. I’d see some great qualities, qualities I’d love to have in a man, he’d tell me what I wanted to hear. That he loved me and thought, “I was the one for him”. “Wow, really” I’d think. Is he really the one? Well this one must be if he says, “I’m the one for him”. Over and over again which only ended with a broken heart each time. I didn’t understand it; I made sure we both believed in Jesus, each and every time. What was it, what was missing? There had to be something more. I knew the next guy I found was going to be the one because I was going to do it right, I was going to make sure everything was perfect.

We met, and I was careful and cautious, asked all the right questions. We had the perfect first date, the best date I have ever been on actually. We talked about work, family, friends, and our favorite thing to do and see. We would have brief conversations about morals and values and things we believed in, nothing too in depth. I figured that would come along later. So compatible, wow what a match I thought. His company was great too and it was so easy for him to make me laugh. I even had my family meet him. We talked about having a future together, and growing old together. We talked about kids and where we would live. I couldn’t believe it, I had finally found him. The one I have been looking for, except, every now and then there were little things that struck me as odd, things about his faith, but I didn’t want to press any issues. I’d try to have conversations about faith but they would always be interrupted or the subject changed. But there was this burning inside me that wouldn’t go away. I needed to know more about his faith and what he believed. I was questioning if once again I hadn’t fallen into my pattern of falling to quickly. After praying with a friend one night and telling her my concerns about this relationship, I knew I had to talk with him. I knew this meant most likely, it wasn’t going to be pretty too.

The morning before I went to talk to him, I received a satanic visitation. I was half asleep and felt a dark, heavy pressure on me, as though something was trying to crush me. It felt like my mouth and throat had been paralyzed so that I couldn't speak. I just kept saying “Jesus”, it sounded more muffled than clear, it left anyway. I believe Satan was trying to bully me into not proclaiming Christ. His plan didn't work, this only affirmed I was doing the right thing.

I went to see him the next day and talked with him about my concerns and sure enough he wasn’t a true believer. I thought I had done everything right this time. I tried so hard to convince him, bringing up “proof” that Jesus existed, it wasn’t that he didn’t believe in Jesus he told me, but that too many things in his life couldn’t be forgiven and he didn’t deserve Him. I told him it wasn’t like that, the price for our sins has already been paid, Jesus paid that debt. It was a gift given to us by the love of God. He just couldn’t accept that though, he needed to pay for what he had done and couldn’t let Jesus take it from him. He was nice and had good morals, but he didn't believe that Christ was the Son of God, he didn't believe everything in the Bible was true, and he didn't base his life decisions on the Word of God. I knew that we as Christians aren't to be "yoked with an unbeliever" so I knew I had to break it off. I knew this would not be the fulfilled life I had been promised. I told him it would be a sad life to live with someone who felt like they didn’t deserve Jesus. None of us deserve Jesus, but that’s why He died on the cross, His grace has saved us. I couldn’t make him see the truth. It hurt to hear him talk about not accepting Christ. He believed in Jesus but didn’t accept Him. I didn’t understand this. How could this be, how could you believe in something yet not accept it? I felt like I was at fork in the road, I could either stand firm on the truth and what I believe or I could make a sacrifice and have a relationship with someone who had so many great qualities that I have been looking for, for so long. I couldn’t see myself in a relationship where my “husband” didn’t want to go to heaven, his words not mine. I couldn’t do it, it had to end. I had to stand firm on what I believe to be true. I realized then my credentials needed to include more than just believing in Jesus. This doesn’t mean I won’t pray for him and pray for truth in his life but it does mean I’m not willing to sacrifice Jesus for only bits and pieces of happiness.

I called a friend crying because once again I was broken hearted, but this time my heart was hurting for a different reason. Not even because my relationship ended, but more for Jesus. As though I felt a small part of what He does when someone doesn’t accept Him. My heart was full of pain. I didn’t understand not accepting Christ. After all He had done for us, shedding His blood on the cross. It didn’t make sense to me. I needed Him in that moment. Needed more of Him. I needed to find Him.

He Speaks

I was just leaving Target the light had turned green and I was on my way back home when something told me to go back and go to the Christian bookstore. Huh I thought, what? Did I hear that? Did I sense that? Did I feel it? Well the farther I drove from the bookstore the louder it got so I turned around and went back. I walked in thinking I must be here because I’m going to see someone I know. Looking around I saw…no one, at least no one I knew. Feeling a little silly just standing there I pretend to be looking for a book all the while in my head saying "I feel stupid, I don’t know what I’m doing here, I should just leave". I start to pull a book from the shelf and read the title and then put it back, just pretending to be doing something, I’d pull out the next one, read the title and put it back, this happened about four or five times until I pulled out the book entitled “Letting God Meet Your Emotional Needs”. I almost dropped the book. I realized then I didn’t have it all figured out. I bought the book and read it, answered some questions I had. It was great. So for the most part I learned Christ should be first in your relationships, ok, got it.

Finding my "Home Church"

While still in school I found a job in a workout facility. A few nights a week I was in charge of leading somewhat of a “step aerobics class”. Two fairly new members walked in the door for an appointment to learn how to use the equipment. My boss asked me to show them how our aerobics/weightlifting circuit worked. You spend one minute on a machine and then one minute doing an aerobic step then on to the next machine and so on. This was the pattern for 30 minutes, then the workout is over. I promise this is leading somewhere. Little did I know these two members, who happen to be sisters, would become close friends of mine. With one I became her photography partner, (I forgot to mention I had been taking photography classes) and she asked me to help her with an upcoming wedding. What a great opportunity I thought. Perfect timing too because I had just finished up with my classes. Anyways in the midst of budding friendships with them I expressed my feelings for wanting to find a “home church”. They invited me to visit their church and said I was more than welcome to come. Why not, I thought. Except for, she then told me they meet in a school gym. Ok, I thought, a little odd but it must just be a small church. So two Sunday’s later I went to Gateway. Sat with my new found friends, and felt a sense of belonging, as though I had always been there. The members of Gateway never made me feel like a guest. I belonged there, I was home, found what I had been looking for. The pastor was great and could really see God using him to talk to us. He spoke with such passion and joy. He talked of accepting Jesus as our Lord and Savior. I wanted this. Wanted to know this Jesus. So I asked, I prayed Jesus would come into my heart and be my Lord and Savior. I have to be honest, I was a little disappointed when I didn’t feel any different, nothing. I’m not sure what I expected.

Anyway I started living my life for Christ, doing the right things, living by good morals and values, I even bought a new Bible so I could read His word. I knew Christ was the one I wanted to live for. The next February I was baptized. It felt good to claim Christ as my savior.It was perfect I now had Him in my pie chart of life. He had this portion, I had this, my friends had some over here, my family had some, and my boyfriend (whoever that was at the time) had most of it to be truthful. Perhaps that’s why I’d always feel so empty when the relationship didn’t work out. Most of the pie was gone.

I remember one day talking to God about how awesome I thought He was and how He can do really cool things but I just didn’t feel like He could meet my emotional needs. That I needed to be with a man in order to feel emotionally satisfied. Little did I know you don't tell God what He can and can't do.

My First "God Encounter"

I hadn’t really thought too much about it but was thankful and knew it was God who lifted the burden. My first “God encounter” I guess you could say. This left wonder inside me and I wanted to know more about God. Church seemed like the first place to start. I felt a pull to find a “home church” and started shopping. I went to several churches over the next two years, small churches, big churches, and an even really big churches thinking surely God was there.

My Story

I had packed my things and left our small two bedroom duplex only a week after having surgery removing the lump for a biopsy. A few pictures still hung on the wall and traces of memories sat on bookshelves and tables. I was 22 and getting divorced. I couldn’t believe it, this was not the dream I had. I was in a daze as I walked out the door, wondering what had happened. My life had seemed to fall apart right before me; I thought I was in control. I tried so hard to keep my grades up in school but Dr. Harlan was moving too fast and I was moving at a snails pace trying to fit the pieces of my life back together, so many pieces were missing.

October 25, 2002, I moved back in with mom and dad seeing as how working a part time job and going to school full time left me no choice. It was getting late and I was so tired, not physically but mentally…emotionally just drained. As I walked back into my old room I fell to the ground beside my bed in utter exhaustion and defeat. It was then that I started to pray and truly call out to God. I couldn’t stand the pain; my heart ached and needed to be healed. Before this I had never really called on God, for anything. I’d say the traditional prayer of thanks for things in my life but never called out to Him for His help. The burden on my back was too much and knew if anyone could help me it would have to be Him. This was too much for any of my friends or family to fix. To be honest, I don’t really remember my prayer; something about taking the load I was carrying and feeling so weak. Wasn’t really sure He heard me over the sobbing. I had cried so hard my eyes were dry; I didn’t know that was possible. Getting up off the floor and into bed for the night is still a blur but I slept hard and felt better in the morning. Things had been turned upside down but I had a peace about it and knew everything was going to be ok.

The Defeat

The biggest unexpected tornado ripped through my life and left me hopeless, broken, and defeated. I had just left my husband after only a year of marriage, recently had a lump removed from my right breast to find out if I had cancer (thankfully it was benign), flunking my college anatomy class I was told I would have to retake it that summer, I was then fired from my job due to being in the wrong place at the wrong time, and my car had been broken down for the past two weeks and left me scrambling for transportation.